Sealing all exits

A commitment to commitment

In my relentless relationship research, I’ve been plowing through every big name book–and plenty of little name books–recommended to me by anybody who’s seriously thought about relationship dynamics. I’m getting recommendations from e-dating experts and friends who hit rough patches, from Google searches and serendipitous library stumbles.

One of his ideas that smacked me in the face is that to address a relationship problem, we have to seal the exits.

That doesn’t simply mean recommitting yourself to making your relationship better, though of course that’s a huge chunk of it. It means saying no to other escapes that we busy ourselves with to avoid doing the hard work of addressing fundamental problems.

To commit to solving relationship challenges, we have to stop wasting time screwing around on Facebook, drinking with friends, working late when we don’t really need to, inventing kid-friendly activities, and any other activity that allows us to shimmy past the heart of the matter. Hendrix also calls out the importance of avoiding major exits, like suicide and divorce, to stay here and focused to work it out.

Applying the User Manual isn’t easy. Actually figuring out what we need from our partner, asking our partner for help, and then following our partner’s instructions that aren’t intuitive is serious mental work. Behavior change is never easy.

But by prioritizing–and eliminating distractions–we’re a lot more likely to cultivate ridiculously amazing results, both in relationships and in anything else we do.

What exits would you seal off to prioritize your relationship?

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